The memories made when I humbled myself before God...

 

 

Life has thrown brick after brick at me

 

From depression, anxiety, relationship issues, to the never ending work being a stay at home mom. Which has more blessings than I could ever count. Though it doesn't make it any easier. Keeping your thoughts consistently on another human being. Dying to myself everyday to make sure she is happy, healthy, warm, fed, and safe. Some days, well... at least once EVERY day, I feel like curling up in a blanket in a closet somewhere and just hiding away for awhile.

 

 

The moment she lays down for a nap. I feel like I can breathe for a moment, but then I struggle with the thoughts of, "Do I clean the house, do I work on a much needed put off project, do I take that time for myself to write, read, take a nap if I choose?" By the time I have struggled with these thoughts for more than an hour or so and then accomplished absolutely nothing. I hear her stirring. She's up!

 

Today I hit rock bottom for a few minutes. Which is always a blessing! I put her down for a nap, sat down on the couch and did NOTHING. Didn't care to put the tv on, didn't care to read or write. I actually, just cried. I felt so overwhelmed, worn down, tired. And so I had nowhere else to turn, except Jesus.

 

"Jesus, please give me strength to be a better mother, to have the energy and passion to get out of the house for my daughters sake, to play outside, to go to a playground.. anything!" I end up holding my daughter captive in the house all day due to my social anxiety. Or due to the fact that just getting her in the car and getting in and out of a grocery store literally takes the life out of me. AND for some unknown reason, I suffer from some type of abnormality that when I am in the sun for a few minutes, I am drained, I begin to shake, I feel weak and sick to my stomach.

 

All this, my daughter has to suffer due to my illnesses and insecurities. "So I prayed, "YOU have to take this Lord, I just can't do this on my own. She doesn't deserve it. My husband doesn't deserve to be mistreated after working hard all day to provide for his family only because I am worn out from chasing a toddler all day. It's not of God, and it's very sinful, for me to complain, to not be loving.

 

 

All of these things I have mentioned seem like tiring chores on days I forget to seek God in all I do. These, are actually blessings. I have a beautiful babygirl, demanding my love and attention, wisdom and guidance. She will only be this small today, tomorrow she will be another day older and another day closer to leaving her innocent childhood. And the day will come I won't have the cute pitter patter of feet running around. Or ABC blocks to trip over. The cry in the middle of the night wanting mommy and daddy to come give her a fresh diaper, a sip of milk and to remind her she is safe and loved.

 

As I cried and asked God humbly for strength to show my husband and daughter how thankful I am for them, and the strength to give them what they need. She made a whimper, telling me she wasn't ready for a nap. I sat and asked forgiveness from my husband.. And he said "there is no apology needed, that he loved me and will always stand by me." Wow, what a blessing. And then next, I all of a sudden had the energy to put my daughter in her swim suit, head to the porch for some sunshine and to play in the water hose. She ate TWO popsicles and loved playing in the water.

 

 

Mommy got on the ground and played with her. And I thought, we should run to the store and pick up a wading pool, and the next thought hit me... mommy is on the ground playing with her, the water hose is spinning like a snake splashing her and she's laughing. What else could we possibly need at this moment. I snapped a few photos. She got sleepy, reached for mommy to pick her up, dry her off, and lay her down. Nap time is here, and mommy is able to sit down and write out her thoughts and blessings. My day, that I thought was gonna be tiring and a hindrance to MY selfish wants and needs.... turned out beautiful, to see her gorgeous smile and hear that laugh..

 

 

What else could a girl dream of? And just think. All I did was humble myself before God and with my whole heart and soul, tell him I couldn't do this on my own. And that is all he ever asked for.